Often, I am ashamed at how much stock I put into my own misery, having never considered those who are on the front lines everyday being martyrs for Christ. I would like nothing more than to pack up and my life and march headstrong into the jungles of Ecuador like Rachel Saint, and give my entire life serving God. Someday, perhaps that will be a possibility, but I'd rather be a missionary in my own country. Teaching is my gift and I know that I could use this in a powerful way, given the opportunity to work in a unconfined, non-secular school environment. Unfortunately, for now, God is still working out the kinks in my chain and trying to turn me into something that is practical and useful for his glory. Somedays I don't think there is enough grease to get the knots worked out.
I get wrapped up in how flawed and horrible I am, then I realize that the enemy is writing that dialogue in my own mind, especially for an audience of one. How privileged am I that the evil one is pining away on my behalf? Better I realize this now and finally learn to take these thoughts captive than to wallow in loathing and self-pity what life I have left to live.
My life is small, mostly a prison of my own construction, keeping things the way that I like them. Recently, I have decided to sledgehammer the side of my fortress out to let the sunlight in. What also came in were some pretty amazing people that I have been shutting out of my life for a long time. The thought of this really terrifies me, as betrayal is the most prevalent devastation that I have ever endured. It seems worse than a death to my heart because I still have to confront those people from time to time. But a God who gave his son to die in my steed, can convict me that the key to my own sorrows in life is the forgiveness that he gave me when Jesus went to the cross. I have been so unworthy, yet I know that the cross was for me. I hope that I can stay in the shadow of the cross as to not be blinded by all that is outside that protective shield. I also hope that I can determine the best balance to live out the rest of whatever days that I have in his will while doing his work. And perhaps, that balance will allow the things of God to slowly seep through to clothes me in righteousness and grace.
