I really despise people who are whiners. Oh poor me, I don't have this, blah blah blah. Today, I feel like screaming to the top of my lungs about how I feel. I normally envision punching people like this in the eye. It is as though Satan has a shiny button that he is apparently allowed to push to shuffle my universe until some days, I cannot breathe without willing myself to consciously take a breath in, then out, then in. In the big picture, the things that have me rattled probably are as inconsequential as the wind on a calm day, but still, today, this is where I lie. What I want is to let it roll off of my back. Oh how I long for duck feathers.
Several years ago, I was in such a deep, dark place, under the ocean with barely any light visible. The air hose was long and I drifted further into the abyss. On good days, when the sun was bright, I could make out its reflection through the water, as my heart and soul became covered in barnacles and sea weed, the sludge that is better off below. Recently, I am so close to the top that I can poke my fingers out, breaking the sea from the underside, remembering what the sun feels like on my skin. My head would re-emerge, gasping in air, real oxygen, inflating my lungs with a hunger for life back on dry land. Last year, I was breaking with the waves, riding them into the shore and wading my way back out of the water. Once, I even touched the dry sand, running my fingers through like a Zen garden of tranquility, but I couldn't hold on to that which blew through my fingers. Recently, and especially today, the undertow is churning and its strength may be more than I can handle. When will be the last time that it completely sucks me under, into oblivion, captive and hopeless to continue fighting something as big as the sea. I am not Daniel, David, or even Nemo.
With so much important work to be done in the world, this is where I am- stuck. Why can't I just move someplace where kids actually want to learn something and the work and gifts that I have are valued. Day in and day out, the ungrateful apathetic shells of materialistic by-products, also know as middle schoolers, suck my enthusiasm for teaching away. My life's work is made into mockery every single day by people who should know better.
The burden of decision plunging deep into my stomach. Do all of my decisions have to be so wrong, so consequential? I want nothing from anyone in this world, but to be free, emancipated. I feel that no matter what I decide, whether it is what to have for dinner or which bill collector to pay, the lashes will just keep striking me on raw skin. I have always been a up by your own bootstraps kind of women, relentless to keep plugging on and away. Has all that has been sacrificed even been worth it to ANYONE? And still, I can't breathe...
The dreams that I had for myself are all but a faint memory, lost to the impulsiveness and youth of a few bad decisions. I just want to find some solitude and contentment. Unfortunately, wherever I run, these thoughts still haunt me. So for now, I am meandering...hoping for something more. It is a selfish notion, filled with none of the contemplative resolve that I usually have an endless supply of, but yet, here I am.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Contemplation Does Not Always Equate Revelation...
I often deeply contemplate circumstances and choices of this life. I have devoted countless hours and much Catholic-like guilt to the cause. Years of my life that will never be recovered or cherished have been given over to this ridiculous past time. Who made me in charge of carrying the burdens of the world? That weight is supposed to be shifted to the shoulders of Jesus when I decided to follow Him, so why cannot I not give that up? Academically and intellectually, I know the answer to this question, but faith is sometimes leaves me feeling questionable.
I bear so much responsibility when it comes to my children and my job. All of my faults make consequences for others, so therein the difficulty lies in my mind. I cannot think of the last time where a day went by where I was not stressed to the point of exhaustion. Everyday, I am scratching and clawing to make it ten inches and hindsight does not illuminate so short a distance. I teach students who do not care whether they get a education or not and that mentality permeates over to my own children and I am unable to stop it. This baffles me to no end. In a world where so many have so little, these kids gripe and moan about what they do not have and why do they have to learn something and why are things too hard and why do you make us do all of this work. Where's a work ethic? Where's intrinsic motivation and drive to be something better? Where is value in the way that you treat your possessions that you worked hard to attain? Where is the impudence and outrage for the disparity in the world- disparity that would disappear if the church grew a backbone and left the pews from time to time? Somewhere in the past 20 years, the entire world and goals for life became disposable and the church was sucked right in. And along every step of those years, cynicism has enveloped me in such a darkness that some days I can't even see a hint of the light.
What I wanted for my own children was a life where they could learn and grow in the freedom of the wonder of learning. I wanted them to see two parents who love each other I wanted to read and share with my children, inspiring excitement and passion for commonalities that we shared. Once that was shattered, the fissures started a chain-reaction that can never be repaired. I know that people can put their lives back together, graft in now pieces to fill the holes, but I wonder it I have any of that gumption buried within me at all. I'm so tired of feeling stagnated. But you can do it! You can make that change! I think I have a mute and dumb cheerleader.
I admire the freedom of my homeschool friends whose children get to be carefree in their process and grounded in their ideals. I do get tired of an elitist attitude of many homeschool parents, as though my children are substandard. As a divorced woman with a 5 and 7 year-old, I had no choice but to put my kids in a school system that I did not believe in. A decade later, my kids bear the scars of that experience and I am deeply burdened that I was not able to do better for them. Is that guilt that I need to have? Did God plan this out all along? I am so tired of trying to figure out what I am supposed to do in life, and just wish for a glimmer of happiness. For a couple of years, I behaved badly and the consequences of that is much greater than just taking days off of my life to just have fun. There has to be an answer that is ordained by God and steeped in love and guidance. I am not asking for rainbows and butterflies as I am ok with things being challenging. What I would like if fewer days of melancholy and more of hope.
Dark thoughts swarm my brain. Wonder about what could be and why things happen eat my insides like a wayward swarm of wander-lusted moths inside of a closet full of old lady clothes. Why do kids get cancer and mothers die? Why do husbands leave? Why are missionaries made into martyrs? Why does evil reign while good seems to hide in the shadows? I want my mind to freaking stop and be still, but again, feel powerless to stop it. I want my life to reflect something with hope instead of darkness and sadness. I don't need to be destined for greatness, I just need to experience something great. I dream about packing up my life and moving to a third-world country where kids are starved for education and my gifts were not wasted. I dream of taking my camera on a pilgrimage to places of beauty and majesty to capture things never seen by man though art, love, and passion in people.
I really would like to be finished bearing the sins of my father and am ready to move on to greener pastures. Anybody else have any wisdom? I'm all out.
I bear so much responsibility when it comes to my children and my job. All of my faults make consequences for others, so therein the difficulty lies in my mind. I cannot think of the last time where a day went by where I was not stressed to the point of exhaustion. Everyday, I am scratching and clawing to make it ten inches and hindsight does not illuminate so short a distance. I teach students who do not care whether they get a education or not and that mentality permeates over to my own children and I am unable to stop it. This baffles me to no end. In a world where so many have so little, these kids gripe and moan about what they do not have and why do they have to learn something and why are things too hard and why do you make us do all of this work. Where's a work ethic? Where's intrinsic motivation and drive to be something better? Where is value in the way that you treat your possessions that you worked hard to attain? Where is the impudence and outrage for the disparity in the world- disparity that would disappear if the church grew a backbone and left the pews from time to time? Somewhere in the past 20 years, the entire world and goals for life became disposable and the church was sucked right in. And along every step of those years, cynicism has enveloped me in such a darkness that some days I can't even see a hint of the light.
What I wanted for my own children was a life where they could learn and grow in the freedom of the wonder of learning. I wanted them to see two parents who love each other I wanted to read and share with my children, inspiring excitement and passion for commonalities that we shared. Once that was shattered, the fissures started a chain-reaction that can never be repaired. I know that people can put their lives back together, graft in now pieces to fill the holes, but I wonder it I have any of that gumption buried within me at all. I'm so tired of feeling stagnated. But you can do it! You can make that change! I think I have a mute and dumb cheerleader.
I admire the freedom of my homeschool friends whose children get to be carefree in their process and grounded in their ideals. I do get tired of an elitist attitude of many homeschool parents, as though my children are substandard. As a divorced woman with a 5 and 7 year-old, I had no choice but to put my kids in a school system that I did not believe in. A decade later, my kids bear the scars of that experience and I am deeply burdened that I was not able to do better for them. Is that guilt that I need to have? Did God plan this out all along? I am so tired of trying to figure out what I am supposed to do in life, and just wish for a glimmer of happiness. For a couple of years, I behaved badly and the consequences of that is much greater than just taking days off of my life to just have fun. There has to be an answer that is ordained by God and steeped in love and guidance. I am not asking for rainbows and butterflies as I am ok with things being challenging. What I would like if fewer days of melancholy and more of hope.
Dark thoughts swarm my brain. Wonder about what could be and why things happen eat my insides like a wayward swarm of wander-lusted moths inside of a closet full of old lady clothes. Why do kids get cancer and mothers die? Why do husbands leave? Why are missionaries made into martyrs? Why does evil reign while good seems to hide in the shadows? I want my mind to freaking stop and be still, but again, feel powerless to stop it. I want my life to reflect something with hope instead of darkness and sadness. I don't need to be destined for greatness, I just need to experience something great. I dream about packing up my life and moving to a third-world country where kids are starved for education and my gifts were not wasted. I dream of taking my camera on a pilgrimage to places of beauty and majesty to capture things never seen by man though art, love, and passion in people.
I really would like to be finished bearing the sins of my father and am ready to move on to greener pastures. Anybody else have any wisdom? I'm all out.
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