A few steps back......just my kind of stride.

One step forward, twenty steps back.  Today felt as though the retraction was 500 steps.....

Major, life altering decisions never come easily.  Accustomed to ritual and routine, any disruption, whether it be for the good or adversely lends itself to unrest.  Replacing old bad habits with good ones or just trying to tweak things, ever so slightly to find an improvement.  Recently, I made one of those life altering decisions.  It took me many months to arrive at the decision and commit to it fully.  Then, a financial set-back left me hopeless.  I accepted that circumstance, then, what seemed to be a saving grace manifested itself five days ago.  My plan was back on track, praise be to God!

Then today, I received an e-mail while at work, saying that the plug was pulled on the project for good.  A person whom I love and trusted had promised to help me.  I put all of my eggs in his basket and he let me down tremendously.  I was devastated.  It would definitely had been much more productive in my eyes to have never been given the false hope that had sustained me for the past several days.  It seems cruel, but you know, praise still be to God.

You see, as I was in tears, a co-worker that I had comforted three years ago when his wife had miscarried their first baby, was in the room.  He asked me what was wrong and instead of holding it in and keeping it all to myself, which is very uncharacteristic of me, I broke down.  After he listened, he proceeded to tell me the most important thing that I was to hear this whole day.  J told me that although it didn't seem like it, that God's plan was still secure and in place.  He also told me that over the past four years that he had worked with me, that he had seen how I have struggle as a single mom.  He also told me that I have given my children the one thing that he never got as a child--I had given my children the opportunity to know Jesus.  He told me that although I couldn't give my kids the material things that they wanted, it was my lack of opportunity that had caused my kids to become great.  J talked about my son's affinity for music and how that would have probably never been cultivated had he been given every video game and gadget.  He talked about my daughter's artistic nature and how she loves creating things and using her imagination and how if I had given her computers and other distractions, that she would not be the artist that she is today.

So, my apparent loss, was an opportunity for the father to console me through a good friend.  His timing is never lost or imperfect and tomorrow, I will move on and seek the wisdom that can only come from the only one who has never forsaken me.  If I get to hang out with Jesus as he tries to show me all that I can glean, then a few steps back, is just my kind of stride.

Redemption In Small Doses

Such a foreign concept is redemption, for those who do not understand "in the long run" thinking.  Growing up with Pagans who only knew how to live day to day never lent itself to become intrinsically motivated to trust in things that one cannot see.  A faith-based concept, such as redemption, must have a point of reference, a personal connection, or it is as insignificant as a television commercial playing in the background of a room full of distraction.  This was true for myself and anyone else that grows up without God and limited means of fiscal responsibility.  Poverty preys on the weak and godless.

Growing up in a home of poverty, did not teach me to invest for the future.  My father was the son of middle-class alcoholics and my mother was one of eight children of migrant farmers and she never got enough attention.  They grew up and ran away from their families and did things their own way.  They both alienated their own families and as children, my brother and I never really knew a family dynamic that was not stressful or loving.  It is so much easier to live, not knowing what is on the other side.  For me, that was never a possibility.  God had a hold on my life before I was ever aware that he even cared for me.

Financially inept, my parents went to the grocery store EVERY day for dinner items.  We were always out of toilet paper and the electricity and water were constantly shut off.  Our cars were always piecemeal and broken down, but my parents were never without a cigarette.   There was always beer in the fridge and PGA (pure grain alcohol), Bacardi mix, and vodka in the freezer.  And if the party wasn't at our house, then they were gone every weekend.  Work hard all week and party hard all day on Saturday, that is your reward for a short-term, low-yielding life.    If you talk my parents today, they would tell you that they were great parents.  Oblivion is another trait of poverty that does not lend itself to significant change generationally.

Investing in my life was never more than short-term, because that was all that I had ever learned.  Unlearning something is the hardest thing to do.  As a teacher, it is so hard to unteach something to a kid that has been built around a misconception.  At almost 40 years old, I am having to relearn so much that has cost me a life-time of happiness.  I am on the precipice of a life that is different........

Investing in anything is a learned skill, pruned and nurtured, with time and patience.  Life must slow down enough to see the benefit of planting for the harvest, then waiting for the bounty.  A child of poverty never gets to see this in action.  Living for the moment is the prevalent mentality of those who cannot figure out how to see the big picture.  It is propelled by society at large, through isolated instances of windfall days that meander away as soon as the money is spent.  Tax returns, insurance settlements, and lottery winnings, create a sense of richness, and an urgency to procure the things that they may never get if the money is in the bank.  A sense of entitlement reigns true as though an impoverished person has been waiting on a payment that is long overdue.  These things create a false sense of security, status, and satisfaction, that will never be paramount to paving the road of the true richness that can be found through a relationship with Christ.

Forgiveness is free.   Christ love costs nothing out of pocket, grace is all-powerful; for everyone, and redemption for sin is priceless.  So how is the church missing the mark on witnessing to those in poverty? The church doesn't have a worldview that is empathy driven.  The church SHOULD know what it is like to live like someone who is not putting up treasure on Earth, however, this is just as foreign of a concept for the church as redemption is for someone who has always known that everything comes for a price.