Some days, I am so lonely that life seems mostly pointless. When did living a full and amazing life become contingent upon having a man in my life? By now, I have become resigned to the fact that I will probably not ever have a real, healthy relationship with a man who truly loves me for myself. A woman of conviction can learn to accept some things about the transition points of her life and adjust accordingly. Is this something that I am sure about? Absolutely not. However, what I CANNOT consider is a life with a man who doesn't respect and love me at least as much as he does himself and God. This is not an issue that I am willing to bend on. Having so many friends who married out of necessity (as I once did) for a parent for their children, or just for the sake of thinking that it was time to be "married," I have decided that the benefits of this type of union absolutely do not outweigh the negatives.
Hours have passed into days, into weeks, into years, and now a decade. I am divorced and have been for ten years. This is a state of being that I feel has become the prominent source of my identity, like the plastic shrink wrap of my life. I too am a mother and this also has confined me, as my children must have a mother that is respectable. However, their time as children is coming to an end and I will begin a new chapter of my life that focuses on myself instead of everyone else. I have definitely kept myself in a box for the greater good, however, I feel like my life is false and unsatisfying. There is a person in this body and mind who is screaming, pleading to plant un-calloused feet on the ground. Some days, I feel that I may become brave enough to poke my finger through and breathe the air outside, but mostly, I push it to the limit, yet the wrap stays intact.
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